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[27 May 2008|02:10am] |
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blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
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| some glad morning... |
[10 May 2008|11:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 whatever... |
] |
Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
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| better off on my own, i guess... |
[08 May 2008|01:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
whatsoever... |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the nature -- talib kweli feat. justin timberlake |
] |
my life sucks; it has been a full circle of deceptions, betrayals, sadness and hypocrisy, since 12 years. yes, 12 years. pathetic much? yes. my life was sorta getting all back together, like it was 12 years ago... well, wrong. since last week, everything has became worst, worst then ever. i never wanted to escaped all this so much. i wanted and tried to commit suicide like several times during the past 12 years because i was so fed up of everything. well now, suicide isnt even one of my option. why? because i have passed that level of "i've had enough i wanna kill myself". i'm over this. i'm sooo ever those bullshit. i dont even wanna cry anymore since it is useless, it wont make an end to those shit. three years ago, my life was sort of balanced; i had franco to drag me out of this stupid reality. since he broke up, i tried to find something else to rebalanced my life, God. and it worked. me going back to church, was probably the greatest decision i ever made in my almost 18 years of nonsense on this earth. i has had help me so much. like, it made me happy going to church. i felt like i had a reason to breathe again. been almost 8 months that i decided to go back to church. life was sorta getting balanced. but since last week, God forgive me for saying this, i felt like God sorta let me down. idk. like, the drama has become so intense in so... like lupe fiasco mentioned in real, "struggle, another sign that God loves you". i guess he is right, right? do not get me wrong. God is God and my love for him will always remain the same, but idk why, i felt that he kinda let me down... like he fulled my back of struggles... i guess it is to see how long i will keep my faith in Him. well my faith will remain the same, because he saved me literally from myself, 8 months ago... anyway.
so yeah. about my post from yesterday "so i guess i am the one who gotta move on..?" well, i was right. i am the one who gotta move on. i love my life. i always pick the wrong things. well, this time, i picked the wrong dude. i started to like the dude first, and he kinda started to like me. my best friend wanted to see who was that dude. i introduced them. we got kinda drunk, they started flirting in my face. homie calls me and is like, i think i love your best friend. i blamed it on the alcohol. when i told it to my best friend, she acts like she aint into him and shit, but i know her better then anybody else, she was starting to like him too. yesterday, the three of us went for a walk. they were all hugging and shit, and i was all by myself in the back. they looked cute together, i had to admit it. i know that they will form a couple in less then two months, that is for sure. sucks to be me? yes. i dont wanna get involve in any type of love triangle. so i am the one who is gonna move on. like, i wasnt in love with him, i was just starting to like him. it will make things easier for me. but like whatever. it will hurt at first, well maybe not, seeing them together and shit, but whatever. friends over dudes i always told myself. and it will always remain the same, even thought my best friend's moto isnt the same as me. hers is more likely to be dudes over friends. im not saying this because of what just happened... but it has always been the same. over me and her dudes, it was always the dude how came first. i didnt complain or whatever about it. how old are we to fight because fo guys? like, i am over it. you wanna have him or make him your first priority, well do it. i wont end an almost 10 years friendship because of the fact that her bf pass over me. like, what kinda friend would i be? i rather just shut the fuck up then involve myself in any tsort of drama. my life chaotic much enough, if you want my point of view.
to add a little more of chaos to my life, mother acts like she didnt do shit, and that i was the one making up everything. God i love my life. she talks to me, like she never did shit, like i was the stupid one making up everything. like, wtf. you do something wrong, you apologize and then we can act like nothing happen but dont take me for stupid and act like noting has never happen. dont talk to me like you never bullshitted in my back to my dad about me, or to my godmother. your my fucking mom. after all we've been through, you chose your bf over him, again. if you were a friend of mine, i would have had probably understand. but your my fucking mom. like. it doesnt make any sense to me. like what kinda mom would let her boyfriend tell to her daughter that he doesnt give a fuck that she sleeps or not at home, that he is sick of dealing with your daughter since a year and half? well my mom. and she didnt even protest after he had said those things to me. for the second time, she chose him over me. i love my life.
you know what. i am sick of fighting for people who dont fight for me. i am seriously fed up of it. like, i am done. i guess i am a good person, for fighting and caring for people who dont put me as one of their priorities. my mom is exactly has my best friend when i think about it. they both chose their boyfriends over me. and i keep on fighting/caring about them. now i understand franco told me i was too much of a nice person. when he told me why are doing thinks for people who wont even do the same thing for you, i shoulda listen to him and not get mad at him for saying those things. this kid was a cool kid. he knew me better than anybody else. he wasnt talking to making non sense. he was talking to tell me things that i might or might not wanted to hear back then. i shoulda had listen to him. i regret. wow, my second regret about me and franco. i guess i am slowly healing, healing for good, from my heartbreak by realizing my mistakes and shit. anyway.
you know what? i am off for now. i think i need some rest, my head hurts.
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| So I guess I am the one who gotta move on..? |
[07 May 2008|06:20am] |
Yesterday, after my post, few things happened and made me realize a few things.
1. I am like not welcome at my house. People, beside my brother, don't give a fucking fuck about me. Yesterday, when I came home, nobody (mom and grandma) replied back. I talked, nobody answered. Like fuck this men.
2. My best friend indirectly confirmed me that she was starting to like Sebastien. If she wants him, she can keep it. I will fight for nobody on this earth. Ok, maybe for my brother but that's it. I received too many bullshit because I was always fighting over for people. That time is over.
3. Alex is a fucking stubborn kid. He still wanna talk to his ex gf. Like, get over it. She doesn't wanna talk to or heard from you, let her alone. But whatever. He will have his heart heartbroken, not me.
4. Sebastien is such a gentlemen. Like we were walking close from our houses, and I told him that since this morning I wanted a tulip because I saw a shitload of it during the day. He simply teared one for me, while we were walking then he said something cute and I was like aww. Then he asked me if we could walk hand in hand I said yes but then let his hand go, homie's hand were fucking iced cold and I was freezing outside. A few moments after, he pushed me in the sidewalk to prevent me of being hit by a car, something that Franco used to do but whatever. Then he talked to me about his grandma and how she died. I felt bad for him, it was such a sad story. Then my best friend called him and he gimme 4 kisses on checks, said bye and left.
Weird. Really weird. I don't what to do or what to say beside weird.
Anyway, I'm the bus and I am exhausted. Like while typing this post, I fell asleep maybe 2 to 3 times. LMAO. People must think. LMAO. I suck real bad! OMG I just refall sleep.
Ciao.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry
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| Random. |
[06 May 2008|06:56pm] |
Today, was a fun day. I met with my lovers from school. We were hanging out downtown. It was fun. I will really miss them...
This morning, I saw my friend Jerry. I haven't like see him since sec4 like 2 years ago, if it wasn't sec3 aka 3 years ago. We used to be so closed. Like OMG. I was so surprised to see him, so was he actually. He talked for like 10min. I cared so much about this guy, like he decided to live the life of a gangster and is not paying the consequences. He told me that on Sunday, he almost got shot. Like, homie is a smart kid and shit, but he doesn't use his smartness to go somewhere, which sucks you know. Anyway. I saw my friend Lauriane too. Haven't seen her since last month. She's still pretty. I love her.
I miss high school. Well, kinda. I miss my people. Like, we used to be such a goofy bunch of loser. LMAO.
Anyway. That's all I had to say for now. Actually wait.
Yesterday, Sebastien came by my house. He talked for like 20 to 30min. Was fun. But nothing much happened.
And now, some random women is talking to herself in the metro. LMAO. God I love montreal!
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| couldnt it be anymore bad than it already was?! |
[04 May 2008|08:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 shocked |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the nature -- talib kweli feat. justin timberlake |
] |
HAHAHA.
omg.
this is SO my week.
guess who i saw in the bus, on my way to the club?
exbf.
after 8 months, i had to see him, at 11pm, in the bus.
in a bus that wasnt on his way home or whatever.
probably the most awkward moment of my life.
he smiled awkwardly. i went blank, emotionless.
i wanted to puke. the shock was too much nervec-racking.
thank god i was well putted; a dress, heels and a cute jacket.
the makeup wasnt too much, my hairdo was perfect.
UPGRADED much from the previous Francesca i would say.
HAHAHA. i love this life. NOT.
but one thing for sure, i dont love him. i didnt wanted to kiss him,
or tell him i missed you, or i love you. i just wanted to puke.
have a normal conversation with him? maybe, but there is nothing much
that would could have been said besides whatsup, where are you going at?
AWKWARD.
HAHAHAHA.
im fine, just still SHOCKED.
i can take even MORE crap, after all i've been through this week.
anyway. my bus will pass in 16min. gotta go get ready.
adios.
ps. viva ladies night! getting drunk and party my ass off?
the best option i could opt for to start another week of drama.
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| It's hard to keep faith in the things that you do, when everybody turns their back on you. |
[03 May 2008|10:38pm] |
I know, the title is kinda long, but it totally express how I feel deep down inside of me. First, my mother chose her boyfriend over me for the second time, then my best friend is starting to like the guy I was starting to like. But whatever. I'm done fighting for ppl. I am done. I won't fight for anybody else. She wants him? Fine. She can have him. No hard feelings. Why? Because in my dictionary it's friends over bastards. Looks it ain't the same for everyone...
Anyway. I'm on way to go clubbing. I was bored and lonely in the bus so I decided to post this little entry.
Ps. Stephon, ily. :)
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| Writer's Block: Hell Hath No Fury |
[02 May 2008|02:45pm] |
hahaha. easy. really easy to answer.
her and him. mother and her bf.
i hate them so bad and i actually do mean it.
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| 17 hours later... |
[02 May 2008|02:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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emotionless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
through the wire -- kanye west |
] |
been sleeping for 14 hours. school is over. 17 hours ago, i was with my friends. heard someting i probably didnt want to hear, but whatever. i cant control someone's mouth, especially when that person is dunk. i'll be fine since it wasnt in love with him. i was just starting to like him. not loving him. so i am and will be fine. hahaha. my head hurts. i dont wanna be HERE. at my house. i wanna go see my grandpa. i miss him. i dont want him to die. like, i still do need him in my life... for at least 12 years. i need him to approuve my future husband. i need him to see my child. i need him around. i think i took his life so granted, during the past 8 years. i think as soon my head will hurt me less, i'll go see him at the hospital then see my godmother, the bitch been in town for a week and didnt fucking called me to say, hey love, im in town! fucking hate her. she always does that, then later on, i am the mean one, who didnt called her to say hi. i just realized something. i've been living and dealing with drama for 12 years so far. cant i have a break? seems like NO. whatever. i cant write properly, like when i do my essays. hahhaa. you guys must think that i am a retard. lmao. actually, i have gooooood writing skills. :)
im fucking freeeeezing. i think ima go see my grandpa asap. so umh, ciao.
i'll probably post something tonight. xox.
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[28 Apr 2008|11:37am] |
"So naturally, actually, had to face things, factually; had to be a catastrophe with the fridgest staring back at me because nothing's there, nothing's fair, I don't wanna ever come back there, so I won't be taking no day off, until my spaceship takes off.
I've been working this graveshift and I ain't made shut, I wish I could buy me a spaceship and fly, past the sky..."
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| weird. |
[28 Apr 2008|09:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
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emotionless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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spaceship -- kanye west feat glc and consequence |
] |
how weird can this thing be?
whatever my mood is, i can always rely on a kanye west song that will express exactly how i feel. omg. soo weird. this is probably the reason why i love this guy so much. anyway. im exhausted. this bullshit, i am over it. like, i seriously wanna get the fuck out. my brother, the human being for whom i probably care the most, knows how much sad i am here. he knows how much i wanna go away, and never come back. he knows it.land it hurts me that he is in the position that he is now. i hate her. i hate him. i hate them. iam trying to do what i learned at church, do not hate your enemis. do not hate your brother and sisters that you see, otherwise how could you love God, the one that you cannot see? actually i dont even hate them. i just plainnly dont care about them anymore. like, im over it. my dad told me that i have to fight for my territory like i was some dog and mom',s, if i can still call her that way, bf was some other dog being in my territory. but like, i am done fighting. i dont wanna fight anymore, because i already know that i lost the fight. i just wanna go away. away from her. away from him. away from here. away from everything. i am sick and tired of crying. like,i have no more energy. cant they let me live? i had an awesome week, i met sebastien, i was doing good at school, my grandpa was at the hospital, but is doing good, my godmother just came home from miami, alex was doing better, my dad and i were getting along excellently, the habs won the first round, my brother and i actually saw each other at home, something that doesnt happen a lot, and i decided to stop lying to my mom. like, it was probably the best week so far in 2008. looks like i was wrong. plain wrong. at church, they thought us that whenever something wrong happend to you, praise the lord. didnt lupe said that struggle, is another sign that god loves you. i guess he loves me a loot then. im not happy here... i wanna move away, go away, change id, and never come back...
anyway...
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| Writer's Block: Happy Friday |
[25 Apr 2008|09:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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take it from here -- justin timberlake |
] |
1st. finish my store layout project.
2nd. watch the HABS' game.
3rd. GET DRUNK!
4rd. chill with my homies.
5th. SEE SEBASTIEN. <3
6th. go to church.
7th. SLEEEP.
8th. spend time with my daddy.
9th. see my aunt and cousins.
10th. see my godparents & grandpa & cousins.
11th. look for prom dresses.
12th. study for world views.
13th. study for my driver's licence exam with SEBASTIEN. <3
14th. spend more time with him. <3
UPDATE 042808: as you can see, i didnt do much.
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| you make me sweeter... |
[25 Apr 2008|12:00am] |
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mood |
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 hyper |
] |
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music |
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true believer -- dragonette |
] |
life is so sweet.
we didnt end up studying.
we went for ice cream.
we goof-ed around.
when it was time to leave,
our lips kinda touched.
turned out kinda awkward,
but in a cute way.
he such a gentlemen.
he such a sweetheart.
tmw we seeing each other.
who knows what will happen next?
(:
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| untitled. |
[23 Apr 2008|09:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
all because of you (remix) -- ne-yo featuring kanye west |
] |
so far, my week has been the best since... a while!
sunday; i went to church. it made me realize that i should help HER and to stop lying to my madre. HER? an ex goodfriend. her life is a chaos now. and my bestfriend loves her. she is no good. but whatever. i have to help her out. i dont want to have her potential suicide on my consious. like, if she doesnt wanna hear shit from me, well, at least, i tried to help her out, again. then rose and i went downtown to have a coffee, actually i had a iced green tea and her a hot chocolate (it was hot outisde, go figure out!). we had a blast. we both tired towards the end. then on my way home, i saw my friend alex (poor him, gf dumped him... :/) with his friend sebastien. we were goofying around for like an hour. i arrived home at 11pm. mom yelled at me, but it was worth it. :)
monday; omg. omg. monday was such a blast! 1st. i had world views, it was boring but whatever. i did good on my exam. later at night, it was the last game to make the final cut between the HABS and the BRUINS. the HABS won. omg. me, alex and my brother, walked from the let's say 39th avenue 'til the 62th avenue. we met my bff abigael and my homie jean-nathan. we were screaming in the streets like whores. omg. so fun. then we met up with our friends and made even more noise. i called sebastien to join us at first, but he could. but he told me that he'll pass by my house as soon i arrive. he came, running like his life was in danger. he stay for 10min. it was kinda depressing since he told alex what alex's now exgf had told him. anyway. then he (sebastien) called me. we like talked for 1h30, then we both went to bed.
tuesday; hahaha. thank god my bff called me. i woke up like 2 hours late. so i was basically 1h30 late for my last store layout class. i stayed for an hour, then left. i went at my mom's beauty parlour. sebastien called me during his lunchtime. we talked for like 30min. the guys at his job are asshole. funny asshole. then he told me that he'll call me back when he gets home. i called him at 7pm because, idk, i felt like talking to him. he called me back at 7h30. homie was sleeping. around 8h10 he arrived. he goofed until 10h30. lots of fuuuun. as soon as i arrived at home, i logged myself on msn to check my msg and everything. alae tells me that he adores me. that im a coolkid and shit. but in a super random way, like. i hadnt talked to him since wednesday and boom i get this. it made me happy though. i was like awww, you such a cuuutie. hahha. around 11h30, my phone is ringing. it was sebastien. we talked for 15min, he had to go, he had another line. then alex called me 20min later, talked for maybe 20min then we hung up. i had to sleep.
wednesday NOW; i have basically 1hr before i go. my teacher has a corporative evenment and proposed me to help her out. it will all fancy and shit. cant wait. by the time i get home, pretty much everybody will be sleeping. all my entourage. sucks. today, i'll be a loner. haha. i hate that. i dont even have my ipod anymore, i lost it at the begging of the month, and i broke my blackberry's headphone. arg. i'm the only at home. mom took grandma for her monthly checkup, her bf at work and my brother at school. i would have had ask sebastien to come, but mister is working far away from my house. idk what to do, nor to thing. i feel quiet good next to him. but wtv, like i dont wanna attach myself to him, yet. basically, i dont wanna get attach to anybody, yet. last time i did, this guys hurt my feeling... after almost 3yrs of being together. yes, i just talked about my exbf. im scared of being hurt. so does he, sebastien. like idk. hahaha. couldnt i be more stupid. idk why i want. anyway.
i just got out of the shower and forgot to put lotion on me.
so, toodles folks. ima post pictures of the event if i can.
xoxo.
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|
| oh yes baby! |
[19 Apr 2008|06:44am] |
so, i couldnt fall asleep.
so i made a thingy for lj.
should be during the week folks.
i actually LOVE it. :D
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| what's wrong with me? |
[19 Apr 2008|04:04am] |
|
I CANT SLEEP ANYMORE.
too much shits going on, in my mind.
... :/
i'll go play with photoshop. maybe something cute will come out of it!
TOODLES. <3
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|
[09 Apr 2008|11:02pm] |
EXHAUSTED.
that was all i had to say.
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| irritation. |
[07 Apr 2008|09:28pm] |
omg. i need a job soooooo badly.
i just cant stand being at home with HIM and HER and HER 24/7.
they, ma, grandma, and ma's boyfriend. they're talking TOO MUCH in my head. they are always talking about shits. like, cant you guys just shutup for a whole 10 minutes? omg. they are giving me headaches.
granma -- the "attention whore" kinda woman.
she's such a pozer. i do love her ppl, dont get me wrong. but i cant spend a 24hrs with her. she's always demanding for attention. like. arg. i just cant. i dont have the word to explain how she irritates me on a daily basic.
ma and her bf. -- bunny and clide, the talkshitter edition.
hahaha. them. omg. they irritates me to the max. like, always talking shit about whatever topic.
there is not word, no expression, no images, NOTHING how to express how that irritate me, on a daily basic.
buddy acts like he was the king of the house. HAHAHA. you are NOT mister. sometimes, i feel like bitchslaping him.
ma, cant keep her mouth shut. she always has to talk and talk and talk until i explose.
like, im trying to accept the whole divorce thingy and shit. i am slowing accepting it.
and now god is slowing giving me strenght to listen to them.
someday, i might feel total indifference towards them.
it would be perfecto.
this is why i need a job. to be less at home, to focus on other things.
&& a bf too. hihi.
|
|
| Writer's Block: Family Matters |
[07 Apr 2008|01:25am] |
hahaha. easy.
being the spoiled, bitchy, annoying and lovable daughter who can really get along with her mom's boyfriend.
hahahaha.
|
|
| american boy |
[07 Apr 2008|01:14am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
american boy -- estelle feat. kanye west |
] |
ohlala.
this has been the greatest weekend ever since the begging of 2008.
i wont say much, i dont wanna spoil the whole thing but, God loves me.
and i know it, i can assure it.
hihi.
^____^
this little american boy, is the reason why i am all smiling and shit.
makes me feel all bubbly and shit. i never, never was soo happy to
see someone's digit on my cellphone.
even exboyfriend, in almost 3 years, never create this much excitment
in me, NEVER.
wow.
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